First Date Tips

February 2, 2010 by edward

This post is from MatchAffinity.co.uk

First Date Tips - By Dr Cecilia d'Felice, Clinical Psychologist

You have made contact; you like the look of each other and your messages and emails are fun, full of life, promising and hopeful. You take the plunge and decide to make a date! You choose a place to meet that suits you both, remembering that first dates are best arranged as drinks or coffee. Dinner, lunch or a trip can feel too long if it is not working out for you both, but a casual drink can give you enough time to know if you would like to spend longer with each other on another occasion. It's all set to go! The excitement rises, as do your nerves. We want to make the best impression we can and it can feel as if the stakes are very high for that first, important meeting.

Be your own best-friend

When preparing yourself for your first date, be generous and compassionate towards yourself. Most first date nerves are generated by being overly critical, undermining and self-sabotaging yourself. You wouldn't say to your best friend before a date, 'You look tired/old/unattractive...' or 'What is that THING you are wearing!' So why say it to yourself? It will only make you feel unconfident and erode your self-esteem. So, to get yourself into a good place before your first date become your own best-friend. Remind yourself of all your positive qualities, what you care about and what you value. Taking these things along with you on the date will make you feel good about yourself and if you feel good about yourself, you date is going to feel good about you too.
Relax and Prepare

When preparing yourself for the date, take your time. Have a relaxing shower or bath, pamper yourself a little, tidy your hair and put on something that makes you feel good. Now is not the time for experimenting with fashions you wouldn't normally wear, you don't need to dress to impress, dress instead to feel fabulous. Wear what suits you and most importantly what you feel comfortable in. If that is your gardening wellies and a filthy old jersey, well sadly, they will have to stay in the closet for now, but I'm sure there is something in your wardrobe that you feel good in. Remember that it is flattering to other people to make yourself as attractive as possible, you are honouring them by making the effort and it is always appreciated.

Mind over matter

Once you have prepared your body, now prepare your mind. Remind yourself that it is normal to feel anxious. You are meeting someone whom you have formed a mental impression of and you don't want to disappoint or feel disappointed. Try not to carry a fixed idea about the person you are going to meet. The more open you are to who they really are, rather than your projected fantasy of them, the better chance you have of accepting their humanity and connecting with them authentically. Remember that they will be feeling nervous too, they might be shyer in real life than on the phone or in their emails. They might also think that you have high expectations of them that they cannot possibly meet. So be gentle with each other. We are all in this together and the more understanding we can bring the more possible we make it for things to work out well.

Happy Thoughts

When you greet each other, carry a positive thought in your mind, such as 'I'm excited about this' or 'All I need to do today is be myself and relax'. You will convey your state of mind through your greeting and those first moments of contact will have a significant influence on how you are perceived. Look your date in the eye and shake their hand or if you both feel relaxed about it, a gentle kiss on the cheek is always delightful. These first moments will be loaded with feelings, some of which will feel confusing and it is important that you give each other a chance to settle once you have made your initial greeting.

Slow and steady

Don't be in a hurry, this is a casual meet-up, an opportunity to say hello. Keep the conversation light, a 'How's your day been?' is a good start. If your own day has been hell, don't dump it all over your date; perhaps just say 'Well it's just got a lot better meeting you!' Nothing is more off putting than lots of negativity, however much we might feel we want to unload. Likewise, don't feel you have to tell your date everything about yourself. It's always a good idea to keep something back, particularly your dating history. Now is definitely not the time to talk about your 'exes' or about any hurt you feel about dating. This date is different from any other date you have been on, because this is a different person sitting in front of you and you have the chance for something new to occur in your life. Remembering this will help you stay in the present, with all the possibilities that provides of having a great time, not pressurizing yourself or your date or burdening each other with demands and expectations. Keep it simple, charming and relaxed and you can't but help have a gorgeous time together, however anxious you might have felt at the start.

Permalink